Saturday, September 12, 2009

Late nights and fistfights with the mind of a lion.

Ive been collecting my thoughts for some time and adventuring out to many different outlets of success. Ive been told that i should stick with music for the rest of my life by someone who has faded, but played an important role in the past. I have died everynight in my bed and im starting to take the world for what its worth into consideration, but however, one being content can equal one that makes you content, being miserable. Ive been on this train ride for almost 18 years it feels like my hands of spite have turned a simple train ride into a trainwreck. It seems as if every thought in my head gets turned upside down and dangled and as the change falls out of ones pockets, you are exposed to an impressive amount of route thoughts that you can easily pick up off the floor and run with. Me being happy, comes and goes. Ive told myself that i would never ever experience the feeling of defeat, and foolishness caused by a female, ever, ever again in my life. But i also told myself, i would find the most amazing person on planet earth and wrap my arms around her and never let go. Despite of what people may see, the vibe i give off, and my actions, i have the biggest heart towards ones i hold dear. Like i said, me being happy, comes and goes. In big groups of people that i dont know, i feel uncomfortable, shallow, and i just want to get out as soon as possible. Infront of family, i hide expect to get left alone. I run by one quote. Pay no mind to the untrusted. If there was any group of words put into a sentence to match me, it would be that. My personality, i cannot blend in and be one of them. I cannot sit back relax at anytime of the day. You may call me an attention whore. If i feel the discomfort of blending in, whatever the situation is, i have to stand out and that is the will power i have to make it in the future. I have been reflecting on what i have to call mine and i have absolutely nothing but a license and the clothes on my back. But the one thing that allows me to awake in the morning is living the life i have chosen to live. Now, you can bring back that 2 week time span of my life where i had no care in the world, but i have been clean for almost 4 years now, and having you're head on straight and taking what you claim is honestly, the best feeling that has ever came across my body. The sad part is that my friends call me out on my beliefs. Theres a fine line between doing something while hesitating and doing something with you're whole entire heart backing you up and i think making my mistakes without my heart backing me up, is a pretty bold reason why you can categorize it as a mistake and weed out what is true and false about ones life. I have looked back on the past and the things i have done and said to people and i am disgusted in myself. For allowing, ready for this? For alllowing myself get the best of myself. The devil herself once said she holds my heart, but it is to hard to reach it at times, and it hit me that i am too thick and instead of fixing my mistakes, i back them up. The daily problems i face everyday and night are self caused but you cant control when you cause them because when you are fighting derpression, you are at a constant rate of door swinging negativity that collapses the minds of the one suffering, in a matter of seconds. You drop everything, and the first person who attempts to comfort you, you viciously attack but at the same time you know they are only trying to comfort you. You then, over the years, grow cold towards many of the ones you are surrounded with and you endup spending you're nights with you're phone shutoff listening to a very mellow acoustic song with your head stuffed in a pillow. Then as time flies by, you start facing outbursts of anger that destroys the relationships of anybody you have ever cared about. Including girlfriend, family, and anyone close. Dealing with this shit, destroying my family, and pure anger has showed me who i really am and who i need to be to be accepted in this so called " world ", and if i have ever put you down i am sorry, but it was to make myself feel better for i stand on a peice of wood that is ontop of a bowling ball and i am constantly back and forth. And for me admitting that, and writing this whole thing, i would hope you would accept my apology. But hey, being negative, hating, and being depressed is the new black now isnt it?

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