Monday, September 28, 2009

Back and forth

im in a pretty back and forth mood right now. ive been shifting to the sides and gonig up and down, all across the room, walking on the cieling, crawling on the floor, gliding up against each and every wall there is. what the fuck. one minute. the next. the next. the next. the next the nextt thern fdshfwenlnexct.4ergsdg. go go go go go. i dont know whats in my head right now. i dont want to think about dana centanni. another kid just died. i didnt know him.

many terrible things have set us back, but the more i i lose, the more i need. i know you will come across this. i havent seen you in awhile. i miss you, and i would like to share my stupid world with you. thats pretty much it. lifes cool lately. whatever. fuck the negative, and try to stay positive, but end up negative in the end and then fuck every good thing i have to hell, and end up in my bed and 12 people mad at me then i dont care, then they hate me then i get spiteful so then i drink soda and i odsgdfjklhsgh0-ypije3lkgjsdfgklhdfjkdg KILL ME.


Thursday, September 24, 2009

I can say i am straight edge, but i dont support shuving my beliefs down other peoples throats as to people wearing certain things as a fashion statement to give off the straight edge, or just being an obnoxious rude asshole to prove to people that i am straight edge. I think its silly. I think if its a personal choice then keep it to yourself. Why go through so much to brag and to prove, when inside thats really who you are? I really wouldnt like it if someone bragged to me how badly they got hammered the night before now wouldnt i? Those are just my thoughts. But, whats my word? My opinion doesnt matter im just another human on this earth whos got something to say. I watched this trailor, and i can honestly say i support it 100 percent. I think it looks sick. As for me? tomorrow im gong out to lunch, then to long island to hangout. Dont get in contact with me. Maybe ill have some fun!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


would you walk with me out on the wire?

you're still freezing.

shes what they call a best friend.
she is such a good person and i love her.
i always did, and i always will.
what you hear doesnt matter.
steaaaaaalll my souulllll

im in an amazing mood.
god damn.

where have you been?
i remember you.
you're probably freezing.
you sold you're self short for a good time.
every move you make
will never matter in a year.
you're freezing.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

i dont want october.

ive taken my time as i picked apart my past waiting patiently to catch the solutions to questions i have asked. i have been taking my time picking apart the dead, grabbing each and every thought that flowed throughout her head. was i right or was i wrong? the misery of october. the scent, and the air that is allowed, its almost as if its the only time christ will ever sin. it feels like i have found the door to heaven but waiting for her to spread her wings and welcome me in. ive followed the path that the curves in her body portrayed. all the photographs that painted the portrait ive been staring at, behind my eyes, night and day. but as time goes by, memories have never seem so faded and the comfort never felt so far away. shattered glass replaced us with a photograph. nothing really makes sense to me anymore. nothing really feels like its in place, and its like theres no place for anything to be put in. almost a permanent off balance? ive touched the ground before, and it treated me so kind. for some odd reason i just cant seem to extend my legs so i guess comfort ive failed to find? how easy it was for all to abandon. am i a broken leg? thinking back i seem to recall somebody i thought was gold. little did i know it was a stranger forming to fit the mold by all the lies ive been told. every move ive made, has been broken down. over analyzing every glance i take. is there a reason why everyone around me seems so alive inside? whats in this october air that makes me inconfident, insecure, and running off to hide? its like everything i do, im destined to lose. whats for the better, just cuts me into two. nights laying awake with my head in my hands. one day id hope to make a bed that stands. when its time for bed i tell myself i am happy. ive let myself down, as my shadow just stares at me. you're body, itd fit perfectly as if alligned. you're head, would rest perfectly under my chin as if designed. you're arms, formulate, and lock in with mine, as one together we could have formed the worlds longest line. like ive said before, ive burned down every single bridge with no plans to rebuild. all it does is give that person youve built to secure, an easier way to walk on you. i used to think, the best thing in life would be being the best thing in someones life, but when the eyes of a beauty takes you to you're knees, make sure you use you're hands to guide you to you're seat. this weather just makes me want to let the world go, but i have nowhere to go. ill just look deep into my future outside my window. but, now its time for bed and i can safely say im unhappy. because i infact have seen better days, but they just laughed at me.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

fuck me, and fuck you too.

fuck the kids who go to their friends college's to party. fuck the kids who live the life their parents chose for them. fuck the kids who wont take the risk. fuck the kids who tell me im wrong. fuck the kids who are in a basement full of smoke. fuck the kids who cant function without scoring with a chick. fuck the kids who have something after doing nothing. fuck the kids who judge by reputation. fuck the kids who dont have it inside of them. fuck the kids who will call their older sibling. fuck the kids with the polo's, perfect hair, and nike's. fuck the kids who pick their outfit based on getting a girl. fuck the kids who play beer pong stands at boardwalks. fuck the kids who act hard. fuck the kids who drive nice cars because they were nothing in highschool. fuck the kids who were anything in highschool. fuck the kids who have no option to fit in but partying. fuck the kids who party. fuck the kids who have tribal tattoos. fuck the goodlooking girls who drink and smoke. fuck the blonde girls who party. fuck any girl who parties. fuck the girls who follow the party. fuck the cheerleaders and fuck the football players. but mostly, fuck the kid who sits out in gym class because he's living his life of anthem and rebelling on all society because that used to be me, and it got me nowhere. i am man enough to say i messed up, and to call myself a hypocryt. are you?

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

made a fool out of love

i did it. i let my guard down to the enemy. i feel like an idiot. i feel like getting punched is the best way to cope with this. i feel as if my legs were taken out from under me. growing the courage to fight such a war, and getting defeated in the first battle. my gut feeling is telling me this is for the better but i dont even know who i am. hopefully whoevers reading this is judging me. i plan on hiding. or maybe i should take action at full force. maybe i should start a war to heal this pain? i can assure you all, this bridge, like the others, will be burned, and i will not travel the streets on the other side ever again. that territoy will not be visited, so after you pushing me aside, i will push you farther then you pushed me, and will use the space i cleared after pushing you off to the side, to walk into a brighter future as you sit there next to you're bridge set aflame. dont ever bring me in, bring my guard down, and push me away. i will cause you're whole foundation to collapse, just like you're town, and i will break you're god damn heart, just like you're bridge. and i will leave you as a past mistake. hi, i am matthew carlock.


Here it comes..

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

no winning.

drowning in a pool of my own insecurities
matthew, you are a good child.
i never met him, but im sure he is.

Monday, September 14, 2009

I went to the city tonight. It was pretty entertaining, but the entertainment wasnt. I want to get beat up. I want someone to put my head through a wall, and punch me over and over in the face. Maybe it will teach me a lesson. Or maybe im full of shit and itll spark a fire.
As for you.
Save yourself from me.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Late nights and fistfights with the mind of a lion.

Ive been collecting my thoughts for some time and adventuring out to many different outlets of success. Ive been told that i should stick with music for the rest of my life by someone who has faded, but played an important role in the past. I have died everynight in my bed and im starting to take the world for what its worth into consideration, but however, one being content can equal one that makes you content, being miserable. Ive been on this train ride for almost 18 years it feels like my hands of spite have turned a simple train ride into a trainwreck. It seems as if every thought in my head gets turned upside down and dangled and as the change falls out of ones pockets, you are exposed to an impressive amount of route thoughts that you can easily pick up off the floor and run with. Me being happy, comes and goes. Ive told myself that i would never ever experience the feeling of defeat, and foolishness caused by a female, ever, ever again in my life. But i also told myself, i would find the most amazing person on planet earth and wrap my arms around her and never let go. Despite of what people may see, the vibe i give off, and my actions, i have the biggest heart towards ones i hold dear. Like i said, me being happy, comes and goes. In big groups of people that i dont know, i feel uncomfortable, shallow, and i just want to get out as soon as possible. Infront of family, i hide expect to get left alone. I run by one quote. Pay no mind to the untrusted. If there was any group of words put into a sentence to match me, it would be that. My personality, i cannot blend in and be one of them. I cannot sit back relax at anytime of the day. You may call me an attention whore. If i feel the discomfort of blending in, whatever the situation is, i have to stand out and that is the will power i have to make it in the future. I have been reflecting on what i have to call mine and i have absolutely nothing but a license and the clothes on my back. But the one thing that allows me to awake in the morning is living the life i have chosen to live. Now, you can bring back that 2 week time span of my life where i had no care in the world, but i have been clean for almost 4 years now, and having you're head on straight and taking what you claim is honestly, the best feeling that has ever came across my body. The sad part is that my friends call me out on my beliefs. Theres a fine line between doing something while hesitating and doing something with you're whole entire heart backing you up and i think making my mistakes without my heart backing me up, is a pretty bold reason why you can categorize it as a mistake and weed out what is true and false about ones life. I have looked back on the past and the things i have done and said to people and i am disgusted in myself. For allowing, ready for this? For alllowing myself get the best of myself. The devil herself once said she holds my heart, but it is to hard to reach it at times, and it hit me that i am too thick and instead of fixing my mistakes, i back them up. The daily problems i face everyday and night are self caused but you cant control when you cause them because when you are fighting derpression, you are at a constant rate of door swinging negativity that collapses the minds of the one suffering, in a matter of seconds. You drop everything, and the first person who attempts to comfort you, you viciously attack but at the same time you know they are only trying to comfort you. You then, over the years, grow cold towards many of the ones you are surrounded with and you endup spending you're nights with you're phone shutoff listening to a very mellow acoustic song with your head stuffed in a pillow. Then as time flies by, you start facing outbursts of anger that destroys the relationships of anybody you have ever cared about. Including girlfriend, family, and anyone close. Dealing with this shit, destroying my family, and pure anger has showed me who i really am and who i need to be to be accepted in this so called " world ", and if i have ever put you down i am sorry, but it was to make myself feel better for i stand on a peice of wood that is ontop of a bowling ball and i am constantly back and forth. And for me admitting that, and writing this whole thing, i would hope you would accept my apology. But hey, being negative, hating, and being depressed is the new black now isnt it?

Monday, September 7, 2009


That day will go down in the history books.
For some reason..
Dan hardcore everyone.

Ive been nocturnal for a week now. Its really wierd. Yesterday i went to Redbank and metup with people then went to Ians house then we had to leave. It was fun though. Its so wierd looking back at my life in the past and comparing it to now. Who were those people? WHo are the ones i hangout with now? Shit. This weather just reminds me of the first ava album. Blonde haired girls, and trash talk? Bad memories. I like the cold though it makes me want to skateboard and be naked. Matt what are you talking about. Ive been in a good mood as of lately. I dont really know what to say here, nobody reads this anyway. Fuck.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Never again.

You're a bridge unsturdy.
Connected to streets i dont want to travel.
Ive been there before
A town full of the most spiteful gravel.

I burnt you're bridge after i crossed it back home.
This time apart has lasted so much longer.
Despite the fact that i now sleep alone.
Ill never return, im alot stronger.

I built a fort out of failure.
A bunker based off spite.
A fist full of lies
That get me through the night.

I had a vision once.
We had the world in our hands.
Two lanes took us to where reality couldnt stand.
Never Again.

paper hearts

i dont know what it is about you. i keep coming back to walk away. i went to bushovers tonight. then dipped out and hungout with amanda and danhardcore. went back. saw D before he leaves. sat and ate a quickcheck sub with jack chez masi and dallara. lifes acceptable now. i have a job that pays more then i can handle and i got 2 new pairs of pants. i get a new car soon aswell. My Demise is recording first demo now so im looking forward to that. im helping out a friends band by playing drums for them. it should be fun. some people, when they talk about music, they lack so much knowledge that i cant even believe it, some words they speak, sentences they form are just unheard of and they walk as if they are some kind of big deal, but if they think that, then its a lose lose situation on their behalf. this season im going to be all over the place, im really excited. now that i sold my soul for some gold i can put it into living a few of my dreams i cooked up in this stupid head of mine. i drank a monster, ontop of a fuckload of soda, so i dont think ill be sleeping for the next couple of days. my life is gonig back and forth, my friends change by the week, my position changes by the month, but hey atleast i dont want to be dead.