Centuries

Here it comes..

no winning.

drowning in a pool of my own insecurities
matthew, you are a good child.
i never met him, but im sure he is.

I went to the city tonight. It was pretty entertaining, but the entertainment wasnt. I want to get beat up. I want someone to put my head through a wall, and punch me over and over in the face. Maybe it will teach me a lesson. Or maybe im full of shit and itll spark a fire.

As for you.

Save yourself from me.

Late nights and fistfights with the mind of a lion.

Ive been collecting my thoughts for some time and adventuring out to many different outlets of success. Ive been told that i should stick with music for the rest of my life by someone who has faded, but played an important role in the past. I have died everynight in my bed and im starting to take the world for what its worth into consideration, but however, one being content can equal one that makes you content, being miserable. Ive been on this train ride for almost 18 years it feels like my hands of spite have turned a simple train ride into a trainwreck. It seems as if every thought in my head gets turned upside down and dangled and as the change falls out of ones pockets, you are exposed to an impressive amount of route thoughts that you can easily pick up off the floor and run with. Me being happy, comes and goes. Ive told myself that i would never ever experience the feeling of defeat, and foolishness caused by a female, ever, ever again in my life. But i also told myself, i would find the most amazing person on planet earth and wrap my arms around her and never let go. Despite of what people may see, the vibe i give off, and my actions, i have the biggest heart towards ones i hold dear. Like i said, me being happy, comes and goes. In big groups of people that i dont know, i feel uncomfortable, shallow, and i just want to get out as soon as possible. Infront of family, i hide expect to get left alone. I run by one quote. Pay no mind to the untrusted. If there was any group of words put into a sentence to match me, it would be that. My personality, i cannot blend in and be one of them. I cannot sit back relax at anytime of the day. You may call me an attention whore. If i feel the discomfort of blending in, whatever the situation is, i have to stand out and that is the will power i have to make it in the future. I have been reflecting on what i have to call mine and i have absolutely nothing but a license and the clothes on my back. But the one thing that allows me to awake in the morning is living the life i have chosen to live. Now, you can bring back that 2 week time span of my life where i had no care in the world, but i have been clean for almost 4 years now, and having you're head on straight and taking what you claim is honestly, the best feeling that has ever came across my body. The sad part is that my friends call me out on my beliefs. Theres a fine line between doing something while hesitating and doing something with you're whole entire heart backing you up and i think making my mistakes without my heart backing me up, is a pretty bold reason why you can categorize it as a mistake and weed out what is true and false about ones life. I have looked back on the past and the things i have done and said to people and i am disgusted in myself. For allowing, ready for this? For alllowing myself get the best of myself. The devil herself once said she holds my heart, but it is to hard to reach it at times, and it hit me that i am too thick and instead of fixing my mistakes, i back them up. The daily problems i face everyday and night are self caused but you cant control when you cause them because when you are fighting derpression, you are at a constant rate of door swinging negativity that collapses the minds of the one suffering, in a matter of seconds. You drop everything, and the first person who attempts to comfort you, you viciously attack but at the same time you know they are only trying to comfort you. You then, over the years, grow cold towards many of the ones you are surrounded with and you endup spending you're nights with you're phone shutoff listening to a very mellow acoustic song with your head stuffed in a pillow. Then as time flies by, you start facing outbursts of anger that destroys the relationships of anybody you have ever cared about. Including girlfriend, family, and anyone close. Dealing with this shit, destroying my family, and pure anger has showed me who i really am and who i need to be to be accepted in this so called " world ", and if i have ever put you down i am sorry, but it was to make myself feel better for i stand on a peice of wood that is ontop of a bowling ball and i am constantly back and forth. And for me admitting that, and writing this whole thing, i would hope you would accept my apology. But hey, being negative, hating, and being depressed is the new black now isnt it?

Moshpital.

That day will go down in the history books.
For some reason..
Dan hardcore everyone.


Ive been nocturnal for a week now. Its really wierd. Yesterday i went to Redbank and metup with people then went to Ians house then we had to leave. It was fun though. Its so wierd looking back at my life in the past and comparing it to now. Who were those people? WHo are the ones i hangout with now? Shit. This weather just reminds me of the first ava album. Blonde haired girls, and trash talk? Bad memories. I like the cold though it makes me want to skateboard and be naked. Matt what are you talking about. Ive been in a good mood as of lately. I dont really know what to say here, nobody reads this anyway. Fuck.

Never again.

You're a bridge unsturdy.
Connected to streets i dont want to travel.
Ive been there before
A town full of the most spiteful gravel.

I burnt you're bridge after i crossed it back home.
This time apart has lasted so much longer.
Despite the fact that i now sleep alone.
Ill never return, im alot stronger.

I built a fort out of failure.
A bunker based off spite.
A fist full of lies
That get me through the night.

I had a vision once.
We had the world in our hands.
Two lanes took us to where reality couldnt stand.
Never Again.

paper hearts

i dont know what it is about you. i keep coming back to walk away. i went to bushovers tonight. then dipped out and hungout with amanda and danhardcore. went back. saw D before he leaves. sat and ate a quickcheck sub with jack chez masi and dallara. lifes acceptable now. i have a job that pays more then i can handle and i got 2 new pairs of pants. i get a new car soon aswell. My Demise is recording first demo now so im looking forward to that. im helping out a friends band by playing drums for them. it should be fun. some people, when they talk about music, they lack so much knowledge that i cant even believe it, some words they speak, sentences they form are just unheard of and they walk as if they are some kind of big deal, but if they think that, then its a lose lose situation on their behalf. this season im going to be all over the place, im really excited. now that i sold my soul for some gold i can put it into living a few of my dreams i cooked up in this stupid head of mine. i drank a monster, ontop of a fuckload of soda, so i dont think ill be sleeping for the next couple of days. my life is gonig back and forth, my friends change by the week, my position changes by the month, but hey atleast i dont want to be dead.