The Blues.

my over dependency on my memories have always kept me bitter knowing that reality isnt going to become the outcome of it. they're mostly influenced by the seasons in wich memory took place in. parting ways with the past is a memorable moment though that i hope will one day outweigh all the moments i've parted ways with. i've been sifting in and out of sleep. solitude is a toss and turn. living through the inbetween, i've noticed the growth of this dark ignorance of existence that has been created over the years. surely, alot has changed since the days, but simple memories such as a little bit of orange anarchy keeps walls paper thin. since the days, most of my time seems to thin itself. i'd much rather sleep because to me dreams have more to offer. the days left me falling asleep without my heart. it kept me thinking. the long path doesn't have much to say. nothing to offer but a simple table to place my hopes down apon. you sit down and stare across the shoreline. nothing like a little peace of mind. ive watched as the worst has prayed on the ones ive looked up to. ive watched them fall and never get back up. ive watched and took part in a hand shake filled with nothing but spite and selfishness for the next move after would be the complete opposite of an actual handshake. ive watched and took part in not putting in enough effort to apply yourself to capture what should be rightfully yours, because you never knew a damn to give it. to my knowledge, my knowledge hasn't been shared. my sense, hasn't actually ever made sense but does that make me unique? should i hold that close and be my own person? should i be worried? who am i? the replay of an old cold man who got dealt a shitty hand of cards? or am i the replay image that didnt know how to play to get the cards dealt to him? i've learned if you are down, you have the option to be up. if you dont take that opportunity, you are a coward. the sun came up again and i'll start my day without any sleep, again.

Life.

I fail to believe anybody ever read this, or if they do, still reads this, and i like it that way. I havent actually sat down and wrote anything in awhile. I have some money, and i am finally getting my car on the road. Alot of my old friends came back from college, and i have been trying to reach out to them and to correct the wrong ive done to them but it seems to be all empty words on their side. What more can i do? When it all comes down to the bottom line, ive finally after all these years found the ones who matter. It has been a war within everybody i know vs myself for sometime now, but thats just how i am sometimes. I am very stubborn, spiteful, and what many care about, doesnt even exist to me. Terrible. Now that i have grown up, and everybody around me has grown up, ive looked around to see what we have all done for ourselves, and where our futures seem to be taking us. Now, growing up, i was the one who rebelled, so in the eye of the public, i was frowned apon. But when i look out, i cant help but get the strong feeling that i am right on track, and a little more sure of who i am as a person, then that " public eye ", and who ive spent my years getting judged by. What mattered most growing up, doesnt matter anymore. All the strings attached to anything, no longer exist. Everybody is doing them in all sorts of different ways for a different outcome. All the people ive grown to love, i have ended up hating over some sort of attachment and or complication. That is all gone now, and i wish i knew life would end up like this so some time would have been saved. Nothing stands in the way now. The future ahead of us at the time, is now here and i am anxious to see what is ahead of me now. If its moving to the city with Chez to go to school for a year, or to see where this band takes me. Or maybe i will make a new band in the city? Anything. Or maybe you and I can reunite now that the little grey area is now gone, and the unbreakable wall has now dissapeared. Life is weird and it has a mean punch, but next time it grabs me i will hit it head on. I am taking what is mine. And as cliche as that sounds, that is you, and my dreams, and i cant see myself stopping. You know that. Im sure whoever ends up coming across this knows that, and i will see you out there.

hey dog

i have a beard now.
its more badass in real life, promise.
im happy, everythings in place.
i have a future now too.
i hope it works like a magnet.
sup yo?

i watched your ship sink.

i slept from 10 am straight to 10pm. then layed in my bed till 2:50 am then slept till now, 630 am. now what do i do? im ready to challenge the world to a foot race, lets do it. id tell you what i did or something, but i havent done anything but sleep. my bad son.

chillin

wokeup and went to the mall.
so many of the same kids.
stop picking on younger kids who dont know better.
if you do you're just as lame as they are, if not worse.
hungout at pesces with friends.
left then went to shawns to hang with more friends.
im listening and enjoying senses fail right now.


someone anonymsly(speltwrongprobably) told me i made this for attention. wich is cool, i get it completely why you would say this. they were probably my friend. i guess its a crime to enjoy writing? especially if its what you 100 percent feel no matter how much of a broken record the topic is? dont care then dont read it. dont knock it, or you can, whatever. atleast you're reading and forming an opinion, good or bad on it. im listening to senses fail, hate me for that instead. do it. im enjoying it too. what's up now? you're so hardcore.

oh and

nuff said nigga

whats todays date?

i dont really have much to say, no one even reads this. i spend most of my time now sleeping. i havent gone out in awhile, and if i do its by myself. i think without complaining and sounding down, i am just happier alone. spending time alone more often then with people, makes you relize alot of things. going out and seeing people, theyre characteristics that they inherited from others glow and its as if everything they truely are is invisable and you can only see whats fake and not supposed to be there. its really sad actually. i dont know how you can be anyone but yourself. but thats not my problem so oh well. i want to go to the mall today or tonight to get some food and get a pair of shoes. we'll see what happens, ill probably watch a movie and fall asleep instead though. take the lonely road. it has been really nice though not dealing with anyones shit. ive always wanted someone to be there, and to basically more or less have but i guess i never relized, all the time fighting for that opportunity with her, in the meantime i was getting stronger by myself. someone asked me this morning why i dont take classes at brookdale, and it felt so far out of reach. i wish growing up, i took the help. i have always wanted to do everything by myself, and i never did anything i didnt want to. im not saying im not proud for taking the hard way out, im just saying i guess when you dont read the instructions when you build something, it has a most likely chance of being less accurate when its finished. lifes okay though, i cant complain. i found my way when i was a little kid, and i will make it work no matter what. see you on the other side.

.

Say this is jealousy that im feeling well then im fine with that. You have a certain characteristic that gives you the means to not feel a fucking thing for anyone that isn’t you. Now tell me you’re not fucking selfish. For every kind hearted word that I spoke to you. I beg I could take back every syllable you ripped from my mouth as I screamed for you to understand. What it feels like to not be as important to someone as they are to you. Well I’ve been on both ends and my lesson was learned. So I tell the stories of collapsed lungs so maybe the fortunate could get a fighting chance to just cut and fucking run. Fuck saying the right things. I’m sick of being your crutch. I will never pick you up again. Don’t show me that face, you know the one that I’m talking about. You will never get under my skin again. Not another word. Not sorry for shit...
I’m leaving you breathless...
broken...
alive...
alive...

i dont know

i might be wrong because as of right now ive never felt so alone, but i think i made a huge mistake.

man on a mission

nothing new.
did the normal today: nothing.

when i was younger, in 3rd grade or so my music teacher gave us a sheet of paper and a pencil. he then began to hum notes and asked us to mark on the paper where you think the visual of the sound would be. it was so difficult for everyone in the class to do it, it finally after 20 minutes became a challenge with a reward for the one who got it on exact placement. so there we were, the whole class marking down where they think each sound would be on the piece of paper just by difference. he then went around to all of the desks and i was the only one in the class that got it correct. i didnt understand the big deal, why it was so difficult because well, it was such an easy concept i seemed to grasp almost like i was meant to correnspond with it. from 3rd grade, to tonight. that one day in school has been unraveling itself, and as each day goes by it makes that more bit of sense. last night, i was listening to my favorite song, you know, that song that gets you through whatever obsticle you seem to be having trouble jumping at the time. the song that makes everything better, and my cell phone vibrated. the vibration hitting the desk produced a sound that happened to be in the same key as the chorus of the song. just the vibration itself fit so perfectly, as if a slot opened up in the song for the vibration to reach a higher or lower pitch. the crazy part is, i think i could have pointed that out to you in 3rd grade....

todays date

its been good days. im better off. i spent to much money on food today. mad mcdonalds, then a slice of pizza. a bottle of coke i didnt drink. fuck. oh well. new years i went to carlys. then played some music. kids just get even more pathetic as the minutes pass but whatever. i need some money. im broke niggggaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. whatever. belive it or not, life would be so much harder for me without this stupid thing. buy me some shirts. i like the fact that i cant see you without seeing through you now. makes me happy. this goes out to the kids who have a world as small as mine. peace.

holidays

so christmas. yeah.
going to new brunswick tonight.

are you a loser? throw a party!

here it is. another year and some of my closest friends have turned there back on me yet again. another cliff i dive and survive, another leg i break and the way of wrong i heal. and they say its worth it in the end? well in about 20 minutes ill let you know. because for this, this is the end. the end to all the time wasted. would you fight for our friendship? another year of friends turning into shit. when something negative happens over and over it usually means you yourself needs to change you're ways. that's not the case. if i were to change, id be one of you. and you're saving out for the future? if you're saving anything it should be this. im done with crooked paths. i will never let us reach anything beyond a social conversation. i will never let you're plan come to play and piece itself together. everything broke, and im hiding the pieces in places you cannot find them. you will never talk you're way out of this one. not a fucking chance. i plan on burying you so deep inside of me, that nothing you do nor say will ever be heard enough to hurt me. im putting you're whole life, you're friends, and you yourself so far in the past that when you look forward you wont be able to see past me. and as for you? you were never my friend. you started as an enemy and i let my guard down and you let this happen. you are a bastard and every single one of you're friends are lowlife losers that once the beer is served you get fed like horses. you were always the enemy, you are not my brother. im done walking into darkness. im turning around and ill leave you with you're back to the sun. well, the road splits here, whats it going to be? left or right? im not even going to move forward, im going to turn around and chase the past i never got to see.

Vampire

If you say you are in a bad mood, and you are unhappy where you are at in you're life, it is because you are surrounding yourself with shitty people who could careless about you. God it's so annoying. Cut the weak out and stop it. The only reason i still have the right to complain is because ive done so, and you wont fucking leave. I mean that only sort of. What?


Cage kennylz.
Bruce.
The way i are
City and colour
so much shit.
this doesnt even make sense.
hunger.
hunger.
boys first time.
i went to L's party tonight.
then i went to shannons.
we watched fart porn.
yeah.
problem?

city and colour takes over my body

you are so blind. taking one single thought of yours and running with it, and sticking to you're guns no matter what is said or done. once the tables are slightly turned a war is at our hands. sometimes i want to snap, and plague the helpless but i cant help just want to sit you down and smuther you with glory. ive never had such a best friend, ive never thought itd come down to being so hard to live without this one single person. when i was a younger kid, i never thought in a million years id grow such a relationship with anyone. i never thought i needed anybody. but i do. its scary. besides the matter of love, and that whole field, itd just be awkward and no other human can fill that gap of existence even if they tried. such a feeling has dominated almost every other feeling in my body. ive been set to stone, and i have no problem with it. its mindblowing to actually say, and truly mean you would kill for somebody, other then you're family. and for something as little as spite, no matter what the spite is from and built off of, just spite being there and directed towards me, breaks my heart. i could understand if i have done wrong, but if so, i have never and never will leave a mess in you're hands without atleast a good attempt of cleaning it up. year after year, month after month, week after week, day after day, when my head hits the pillow at night, ive never been so sure of something. i wish you could just say the same.

isolated

as everyone sets off, parts their ways and begins whatever their work after all these years has instore for them, if its college, or working etc. i refuse. many say its a maturity issue. everyone my age has gone and revisited many times, but now they are different. they are grown up. they are everybody else. it is rather wierd. thats cool, go to college, go put things in place, i support that 100 percent. you may think its a maturity issue, and stand above me and my friends for what we are putting together. like i said, i support you're decision, but its when you give up on you're dream is when i think you're a complete chump. we will find our path to travel. just like you guys did. but we wont be walking down it like you, we'll be running.

i have no idea

im really bored.
crime in stereo is doin it for me right now.
drove to brookdale before.
nothing but snobby bitches that go there.
so annoying.
dropped a few friends.
sorry but you were a crutch.
out with the old.
in with the new.
this month is important.
important in a fake world though.


ive thought about it, im pretty stoked on these changes i made. ive never been so sure of something. if you're not going to take responsability for you're actions, then if you luck out when you're stuck and it doesnt go 100 percent the way you wanted, be happy it went all at. no favor had to be done. but it was, and just because it wasnt how you wanted it, doesnt mean its wrong. be greatful. it just shows who you really are. and i dont want to be around that. you're in the past now. forward i advance.


heres a stupid picture.



whats more important?
my mustache?
or that face?
ew.
i would hate me if i were a normal person.

falling apart.

everyday i take the long way home.
i see nothing of me in anything i own.













































































































































































































im not writing in this for awhile.

MY LIFE

The party starts at nine p.m. at which ever house is close and vacant,
We'll call the ten friends we've got left to pretend we've got a life.
The boys are slaying shitty brews, and I've been slaying orange juice.
You know we don't got shit to do, I guess we'll stay the night, fuck.



GAME OVER GUYS.
GAME OVER.

good friends doing bad things

good friends doing bad things
kids of nothing
fuck it all
went to my secret spot tonight
it was raining
i was wet
now im not
the wonder years
the gaslight anthem
brand new
skinnylove
it makes me not want to die
thinking comes too often for me
tomorrow we write more music
show in december
more soon
its hard to be the better man
i dont want to anymore
no boxers right now
just shorts
my friends are missing
i need to start school
i need to finish school
i need a job
i need my car
i live a life of procrastination
im starting to not like you guys
understanding the ones that were close, should be dead.
friday mother of mercy and cold world
cool i guess.
saturday halloween
i dont really know
going to make something to eat
then think about this situation that needs solution
peace